Didn’t think it was possible, but I managed to overdose on chocolates this past Sunday.  Was green to the face, sick to the stomach, made two trips to the crapper, and was ready to tackle the rest of the box by evening.

Today my good buddy Maverick died.

You were my first fish, and an excellent source of distraction.

I will miss you much.

This weekend I went up to SF to visit Liz and she took me to a fancy Chinese restaurant called “Heaven’s Dog”.  Even though the setting was ultra modern, the food still tasted pretty authentic.   Stick with the main entrees though, and go somewhere else for dessert.  Let it be known that I was the idiot that fell for this number: “Jasmine Tea Granita with milk, melon, and mango”.  The waitress described the dessert as “refreshing”. 

Refreshing my ass.  This was what they served me…

And they dared to charge $7 for this piece of crap.

I think if they actually served me a piece of crap, it might have filled the plate better.

Awhile back, I thought it’d be really neat to make a sculpy version of “El Davitor”:

Unfortunately, my sculpy skillz were too noob, and I couldn’t quite work out the flaming “hair” part.

So it was either bald El Davitor…

Or give him a mohawk.

This is what I ended up with:

As you can see, El Davitor spent a tad too long in the oven and got a burnt hairdo.  T_T

Whenever anybody walks by now and catches a glance of El Davitor, I always get the same reaction…

“Hey!  Is that a chicken!?”

“…We both love bacon and country music, what more could you possibly want?”

What more could he want?  It was an incredibly stupid question and when he failed to answer, I was reminded of just how lucky I truly am.  Movie characters might chase each other through the fog or race down the stairs of burning buildings, but that’s for beginners.  Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.  I wanted to say something to this effect, but my hand puppets were back home in their drawer.  Instead, I pulled my chair a few inches closer, and we sat silently at our little table on the square, looking for all the world like two people in love.

~ David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

There were so many great excerpts from this book and it was tremendously difficult to choose a favorite one.  Well, couldn’t help myself…had to go with the one that mentioned “bacon”.

evelyn

Happy 2009! 

Yo!  You know what really grinds my gears?  Friggin when women pee on the seat.  I’ve never understood that.  If you don’t want to sit on the toilet, that’s fine.  Just use one of those goddamn paper seat covers!  Why must you stoop over the seat and leave pee residue for the next person???  !@#$%   And what is up with people not flushing???  How do you forget to flush?!  You don’t forget to wipe.  Flushing is like the next natural act that follows wiping.  Grrrrrrrrr

** Shakes Fist **

By far, the best thing about Wrath of the Lich King so far…

Today a pep talk email was sent out to our product management department at work and it was accompanied with the following article:

Notice how one of the ways that tech stores can regain the public’s trust is to DON’T SUCK!

lol

Such great constructive criticism.

Dear Ms. Eliza,

I am writing to inform you that your 8gb flash drive has successfully been purchased.  Thank you for contributing this precious $15 to my salary here at xxxxxx.com.

Also, I had this dream that you wanted some vintage curtains that had cherry print all over them.  When I saw the picture in the catalog, I thought to myself…yuck!  Nonetheless, I went with you to the thrift store to hunt them down, and to my surprise, the curtains looked rather adorable in real life (or errr… real life that’s in dream life).  Just wanted to give you a heads up.  Cherry print vintage curtains.  They won’t look like yuck.

Your Pal,

ev

PS:  I got food poisoning this weekend and was stuck at home watching like 40 hours of television.  Saw Steel Magnolias for the first time.  Shirley McLlaine as “Ouiser” … let me just say “My new hero”.  Crotchety old bitch with a heart of gold.  Holla’

Recently I visited Oak Glen and felt compelled to share some apple pickin’ wisdom with ya’ll after this experience.

Insert: <gasps, wonder, and awe>  What the hell?!  Evelyn eats fruit?!  (Damn Eliza and her healthy ways rubbing off on me.  Walking?  What’s that?  Why?  Why you making my legs move?  Where is the TV?)

#1:  October is good apple picking season.

See figure A for happy evelyn with apple:

#2:  Due to #1, you should arrive at your destination early in the morning around 10am to avoid the crowds.  Them crazy Californian’s sure like apple pickin’.

#3:  Bring a jacket.  It’s chilly up there in the hills.

#4:  Do not go to the 1st apple orchard you see.

See figure B for unhappy evelyn disappointed with apple selection:

Ya.  Don’t be fooled by the fancy sign, uncertainty to drive on because what if there are no more apple orchards for miles and you’ve already been driving for 1.5 hours.  Trust me.  There are more farms.

Also, the 1st farm probably does not have the best selection, and probably priced the most expensive.  Drive on to at least the 3rd or 4th orchard for a better selection.

Man, figure B is such an unflattering picture of me.  I wouldn’t have posted it up other than the fact that it’s such a great representation of the crotchety old evelyn I strive to become one day.  Ya.  I’m gonna be that crazy old lady waving the cane at the children and yelling at them to get away from my apple bag.  Eliza will be by my side with her permed blue hair and MC Hammer pants encouraging more children to come by and steal my apples just to piss me off.  Ahhh…doesn’t retirement sound fun?

#5:  Drive into Oak Glen Village and DO get a slice of apple pie a la mode.  DO NOT LEAVE Oak Glen without doing this.  You will sorely regret it.

#6:  Indulge yourself with a candy apple or two.

See figure C of evelyn right before all her teeth falls out:

And there you have it my friend.  I hope you have learned from my mistakes.  Now accepting apple pies as payment for such valuable advice.